Oh keep your pants on!
Those of us old enough to remember playing the very first Dragon Warrior game on the NES can also remember giggling over the option to buy “Clothes” as a starter armor set for our hero. “What, was the hero naked before we bought the Clothes?” we asked each other.
Of course, our 8-bit hero wasn’t actually naked (or at least we couldn’t see his shame because of the NES’s graphical limitations and/or Nintendo’s strict censorship policies at the time). However, the legacy of the naked hero continues with Legend of Equip Pants, an odd, odd adventure game fueled by jokes about underwear, shorts, and pantaloons.
Legend of Equip Pants tells the complex tale of Sir Pantsalot, a knight living in a kingdom that’s troubled by an “underwearwolf” (amongst other monsters based on garments that secure people’s junk). Sir Pantsalot is noble and true, but he seemingly has problems with indecent exposure in a very pro-pants society. He sets out to find some manner of covering for his ding-dong, but his journey is destined to be difficult.
Legend of Equip Pants is, in a word, silly. It tries very hard to be funny. The curious thing is it mostly succeeds, even though it retells the same joke over and over. Strange as it is to say, the game’s juvenile themes just mesh well with its retro pixel-based graphics and solemn RPG soundtrack. You’ll find yourself grinning even when you try and summon your inner grade three teacher (“Boogers, farts, and underwear are not funny!”)
Legend of Equip Pants‘ biggest problem is that there just isn’t a lot to it. It’s technically an action/adventure/role-playing game, but there’s very little combat to speak of. Instead, Sir Pantsalot talks to villagers, carries out story scenes, and searches for hearts that add to his total health.
The game is episodic, with each episode clocking in at about ten or twenty minutes. There are currently two scenarios to play through, with a bonus Christmas episode. Once you’re done with a story, you’re allowed to play through it again if you want to find items and townspeople you missed the first time out.
Legend of Equip Pants is free to download. As you might expect from a free mobile game, the game does a bit of panhandling for cash, but it’s purely on a voluntary basis. The calls for donations are admittedly executed in an amusing manner: To give away one example, you find the game’s creator in a pub and can opt to buy him a “drink” (he’s dying of dehydration, you see).
If Legend of Equip Pants garners enough cash in its current state, it’ll see more chapters in its future. Once you walk through the game’s short length, you’ll almost definitely be craving more adventures in Pantslvania while walking in the skin of the underwearwolf. If that sounds ridiculous, well, that’s because it is. Give the game a try anyway. You have nothing to lose and a few chuckles to gain.