Tiny amounts of fun
Remember Fruit Ninja? That game where you slice through flying fruit with an invisible katana blade? Of course you do, it’s barely even a few years old. Well do you know who else remembers that game? Indie developer Absurdly Logical Solutions, that’s who. In fact, the fine people who also brought what was basically a re-skinned Angry Birds with Fire the Cannon remember it so well that they’ve gone so far as to recreate it with Tiny Missiles, a game that puts—you guessed it—missiles in place of sword swipes.
Whereas a swipe of the screen in Fruit Ninja unleashed a lightning-fast slash through the well-rendered airborne mélange, Tiny Missiles gives you unlimited artillery to fell your fruity foes by tapping your screen. The more fruit you blow up, the more tokens you’ll earn with which you can unlock items like the tiny nuke or strike shield. These items allow you to hit every target on the screen at once or absorb what would otherwise be game-ending mistakes, and they might have been cool if the overall experience were even the slightest bit enjoyable or required even a base level of strategy. As it stands, though, the addition of an in-game store comes off as something that exists because it is now the norm, not because it adds anything to gameplay.
In addition to flying fruit, you’ll also be faced with hazards in the form of hand grenades and flash bangs for some reason. This sounds like an extra layer of challenge, but would more accurately be described as elements that were seemingly placed into the game because any attempt at something clever or actually worthy of anyone other than the noobiest of noobs was too taxing for Absurdly Logical to cook up. Grenades and flash bangs are easy to spot and even easier to avoid on lower difficulty levels, but become the bane of your existence on higher levels.
Granted, Tiny Missiles is challenging to pick up at first. However, once you’ve figured out how to go about leading your targets (a la Space Invaders) to land hits, you’ll pick up a rhythm you could execute in your sleep. Not to worry, though, right? There are harder difficulty levels to master! Yes there are, but these fall under the category of cheap frustration rather than delightfully challenging. Grenades and flash bangs litter the screen to such an intense degree that levels can only be passed by stocking up on the aforementioned power-ups, and there is a cap on how many you can have in your inventory.
Tiny Missiles can presumably be mastered, but what you must ask yourself here is why would you want to? From the moment the gut-wrenchingly irritating music of the title screen begins, you’ll be sorry you ever thought to give it a chance. Given the outrageous difficulty of certain levels, it’s as if Absurdly Logical Solutions is trying to claim their game has lots of replay value when in reality, it would probably be more fun to watch someone who was watching paint dry. Look, the bottom line is that this is a complete rip-off of a title most gamers already tired of ages ago, and no matter how many cool 80s throwback sound effects are found within Tiny Missiles, it doesn’t change the fact that you’d be better off throwing your $1.99 down a storm drain.