Take My Machete is a retro-style action game that pits aliens against humanity’s greatest achievement: The machete.

Although “Take My Machete” sounds like a murderous one-liner from comedy king Henny Youngman (“Take my machete—please!”), it’s actually a brief set of instructions on how to survive in an alien-ravaged world. Little green men have landed on Earth, and someone needs to do something about it. You’re elected. Grab yourself a big, big knife and show those alien scum how humans do things downtown.

Take My Machete is a side-scrolling action/beat-em-up game for iOS from Upper Class Walrus. As it turns out, the best defense against superior alien technology is a comparatively primitive (though admittedly effective) machete. You use this holy blade to snick your way through waves of Martians that pour in from every side of the game’s single-screened levels.

The aliens have allies, however, including UFOs and big ugly centipede things that may spook you into dropping the game and running from the room like a wounded animal. If you need a little extra courage (and if you’re just not into big, bloody blades), you can pick up other arms including a bow and arrow, and a guitar. Music is the weapon!

You also have a dog. Man’s best friend will stay by your side until the bitter end, or at least until a particularly resourceful alien comes in with a box of Milkbones.

Take My Machete

Take My Machete hits the App Store on January 10. Raid your kitchen drawer and do some damage.