Take My Machete Preview

Although “Take My Machete” sounds like a murderous one-liner from comedy king Henny Youngman (“Take my machete—please!”), it’s actually a brief set of instructions on how to survive in an alien-ravaged world. Little green men have landed on Earth, and someone needs to do something about it. You’re elected. Grab yourself a big, big knife and show those alien scum how humans do things downtown.

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Take My Machete is a retro-style action game that pits aliens against humanity’s greatest achievement: The machete.

Although “Take My Machete” sounds like a murderous one-liner from comedy king Henny Youngman (“Take my machete—please!”), it’s actually a brief set of instructions on how to survive in an alien-ravaged world. Little green men have landed on Earth, and someone needs to do something about it. You’re elected. Grab yourself a big, big knife and show those alien scum how humans do things downtown.

Take My Machete is a side-scrolling action/beat-em-up game for iOS from Upper Class Walrus. As it turns out, the best defense against superior alien technology is a comparatively primitive (though admittedly effective) machete. You use this holy blade to snick your way through waves of Martians that pour in from every side of the game’s single-screened levels.

The aliens have allies, however, including UFOs and big ugly centipede things that may spook you into dropping the game and running from the room like a wounded animal. If you need a little extra courage (and if you’re just not into big, bloody blades), you can pick up other arms including a bow and arrow, and a guitar. Music is the weapon!

You also have a dog. Man’s best friend will stay by your side until the bitter end, or at least until a particularly resourceful alien comes in with a box of Milkbones.

Take My Machete

Take My Machete hits the App Store on January 10. Raid your kitchen drawer and do some damage.

In the early aughts, Nadia fell into writing with the grace of a brain-dead bison stumbling into a chasm. Over the years, she's written for Nerve, GamePro, 1UP.com, USGamer, Pocket Gamer, Just Labs Magazine, and many other sites and magazines of fine repute. She's currently About.com's Guide to the Nintendo 3DS at ds.about.com.