You’ll have a cow-abductingly good time

What do you think of when you hear the words “Probe the Humans“? I imagine it breaks down into two camps: People who envision someone getting interrogated, and others who think of aliens doing unwanted things to the human anatomy. Probe the Humans for iOS doesn’t contain either, but it does feature aliens abducting anything they possibly can. There may be some allusion to probing, but let’s just pretend there’s not.

As we touched on in our preview of Beware Planet Earth!, farmers are the unspoken victims of most alien encounters. There’s something about those lush, food-rich sprawls of land that appeals to the extraterrestrial, and it leads to a lot of damaged crops, abducted animals, and angry farmers. Probe the Humans carries on that age-old tradition, featuring a farm setting ripe for destruction.

To be fair, the farmers kind of deserve it here. There are massive coins sitting everywhere around their farm, so of course they’re going to attract all kinds of unsavory visitors. It’s not some kind of endless buffet for malevolent aliens, though: Vehicles and structures have to be avoided, what with the ship’s Beamonator2000 only capable of handling carbon-based lifeforms and gold.

Probe the Humans

Some of these lifeforms are deemed “collectible,” which is a word I can only hope someone applies to me down the road. I’m sure its application here will add yet another layer of addictiveness to the game, inspiring players to continually gun for collectible animals until they stumble into some sort of existential crisis. As far as I’m concerned, that’s exactly what video games are all about.

Thanks to the technological leaps of their race, controlling the beam is as simple as dragging your finger across the screen. You’d think they’d be able to program it to immediately dodge all non-human entities, but that would make for a very boring game, wouldn’t it?

Probe the Humans

Arriving June 9, Probe the Humans will give players a taste of what it’s like to be a farm-hating alien. The ire is well-deserved, as far as I’m concerned. I’m so sick of farmers waking up early and working all day on what will eventually be food we all eat. It’s just so smug.